Cream of the Crop 11/Cream of the Crop 11-2.iso/extra_2/rotfl22.zip/ROTFL22.TXT

Text File | 1995-11-07 | 91KB | 2,017 lines

        ________________________________________________________________
           ROTFL Digest!       Volume 2, Issue 9        November 1995
                          You deserve a laugh today!

                       Published by Access Media Systems
        Voice: 905-847-7143 Fax: [phone] Email: [e-mail]

          Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes
       _________________________________________________________________
       Contents:

       Editorial
       Likely Stories!
       If Windows 95 Operated Appliances Around Your House
       Top Ten Rejected Pickup Lines For Men
       Are You A Weirdo?
       Top Ten Ways To Tell If Your Family Is Dysfunctional
       All The Time In The World (subtitled: My Trip To Hell)
       Santa's Horrible Death
       The Czech Is In The Mail
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!
       _________________________________________________________________

       Editorial
       ---------

       Remember that you can win, win, win cheap prizes by sending me
       your funny jokes, stories, and art! The contest ends when my
       closet is empty of good junk, so don't delay, post to me today!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
     All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original
     material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will
     be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

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     ---------------------------------------------------------------

   LIKELY STORIES
   --------------

        AT LEAST HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ASSASSINATION

        St-Lin, Quebec - Mayoralty candidate Jean Charbonneau, 34,
        left a suicide note in his parked car and apparently threw
        himself into Rawdon Falls, yet outgoing mayor Andre Auger
        has urged people to vote for Charbonneau, even if he may be
        dead. I imagine the campaign slogan goes something like
        this: Vote for me or I'll haunt your every waking moment.

        SHE SHOULD BE WORKING FOR THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK

        Chicago, Ill. - When Rita Lucas got divorced from Robert
        Lucas in 1989, she had her lawyer add a clause to the
        property settlement guaranteeing her 50 percent of any
        Nobel Prize winnings. The clause was to expire on October
        31, 1995. Robert Lucas won the Nobel Prize in economics
        in October, 1995, with only weeks to go. The prize is
        worth $1.3 million. But how did she know???

        REVENGE: A DISH BEST SERVED WITH A NOSECLIP ON

        Newcastle, England - David Cannon, a 66-year-old British
        farmer, claimed the National Westminster Bank caused him
        to lose $213,000 CDN so he protested by spraying the bank
        with four tonnes of cow manure. It took workers two weeks
        to clean up the muck which had seeped into the sandstone
        building. Bank manager Alan Bell commented, "The effluent
        was too deep to walk into the bank unless you had waders
        on." Cannon was given a conditional discharge and ordered
        to pay $4,300 CDN. I'm surprised the bank didn't sell the
        crap and make a tidy profit...

        AND STUPIDITY IS STILL NOT A CRIME

        Boston, Mass. - Two gunmen walked through a busy
        restaurant in the rough Charlestown section and opened
        fire in front of a booth, killing four customers and
        critically wounding another. They were arrested by two
        plainclothes policemen who happened to be eating lunch
        there.

        WHAT'S IN A NAME?

        Bloomington, Indiana - Tuesday Hood married Robin
        Thursday and they decided to use her surname since
        Robin Hood sounded better than Tuesday Thursday.

        O.J. MIXES BUSINESS WITH PLEASURE

        Philadephia, Pa. - On July 21, 1994, five weeks after
        Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were found dead,
        O.J. Simpson applied for a U.S. government patent on the
        name "O.J." And who said crime doesn't pay???

        WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

        Trois-Rivieres, Quebec - The No supporters in the Quebec
        referendum (which was to decide if Quebec should separate
        from Canada) received support from those most dubious
        promoters of national unity, the Hells Angels. For the
        record, the No vote won by 1.4 percent. I wonder how the
        Hells Angels campaigned for the No side... "Vote No or
        I'll bomb your house"?

        WHERE WOULD A DESPERADO LIKE THIS COME FROM, HMMM?

        Toronto, Ontario - Darryl Darnell Barnes, 32, has been
        deported or removed to the United States 16 times and
        has been convicted 11 times of immigration offences, yet
        he keeps coming back to Canada. Barnes also has
        convictions in Canada for drug possession and
        trafficking, obstructing police, theft, uttering threats,
        possession of a prohibited weapon, and failing to comply
        with a probation order. Doesn't the U.S. have a jail cell
        reserved for this guy, or what?

        THE DREAM TEACHERS

        Copenhagen, Denmark - Two unnamed teachers felt sorry that
        two of their wildest pupils were barred from a summer camp
        so they arranged to console the teenagers with a prostitute.
        The hooker had sex with the boys on the back seat of a
        school bus. I'll bet those boys got an A in Sex Ed.

        MUSIC TO GET AIDS BY

        Atlantic Records has created a department dedicated to
        gays. Peter Galvin will oversee campaigns aimed directly
        at gays through outlets such as gay record stores,
        bookstores, nightclubs, clothing retailers, hotels,
        resorts, and restaurants. You'll know you're in the
        wrong section of the music store when the salesman says,
        "This one is faaaaabulous! Just faaaaabulous!"

        OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

        Toronto, Ont. - While joblessness is at an all-time high
        and welfare cuts are rampant, Tony O'Donohue is fighting
        to regain the city council seat in ward 3, no matter what
        it costs the taxpayers. O'Donohue's opponent, Mario Silva,
        had been declared the winner by 15 votes and has been
        serving on the council since November 14, 1994. A recount
        by city officials placed O'Donohue in front by 9 votes and
        a judicial review left O'Donohue ahead by 6 votes. That
        was overturned by Mr. Justice Blenus Wright, of Ontario
        Court, who put Silva back in the lead by 10 votes.
        City officials estimate it could cost taxpayers up to
        $300,000 to pay lawyers for the two rival politicians.
        Let us eat cake, eh, Tony?

        SO WHEN ARE PEOPLE IN WHEELCHAIRS ALLOWED TO HAVE A DRINK?

        Fredericton, N.B. - Raymond MacDonald, 40, was fined $300
        for operating his wheelchair while drunk. He had been
        riding along a city road when police stopped him and
        administered a breathalyzer test, which he failed. Isn't
        it nice to know that alert police are protecting us from
        such hardened criminals?

        PEOPLE WITH DIRTY MINDS

        Toronto, Ont. - The Toronto Board of Education's status
        of women committee has sent a letter to Pepsi complaining
        about "subliminal sexual imagery" which appears in an
        advertisement on the front of the company's pop machines.
        The big stir concerns an ice cube which these people
        say is shaped like a female breast. Some others contend
        that a tiny woman reclines on top of the pop can in a
        bead of water. Still others argue that the word "sex"
        appears in the ad, written vertically along the pop can
        among three ice cubes. Pepsi-Cola spokesperson Jan
        Waterous said the image was reproduced from an actual
        photograph and was not altered in any way but that they'll
        replace the ad on all the school vending machines if the
        Toronto school board will pay for the labor. The offer has
        not been acted upon. What the heck do these people see when
        they look at birthday candles on a cake, hmmm?

        EVERYONE'S LOOKING FOR A GIMMICK

        Scarsdale, N.Y. - Maggie Ostrower has formed a company
        called Time of the Month Inc., which will market her own
        blend of chocolate and "salty-crunchy things" as a
        menstrual snack called PMS Crunch. I don't think it'll
        catch on unless she includes free bullets in every pack.

        TOSS ME ANOTHER DWARF, WILLYA, SPIKE?

        Paris, France - 3-foot, 10-inch tall Manuel Wackenheim
        wants the European Court of Human Rights to take action
        against France for banning dwarf-throwing. Wackenheim
        claims that he has lost the income and enjoyment he once
        enjoyed from being hurled around by burly men.

        AND NOW BEING FAT IS A CRIME

        Wichita, Kansas - Arthur Younkin was sentenced to 93 days
        in jail for not obeying a court order to lose weight. The
        505-pound man had been told to drop some pounds as a
        condition of his probation on a forgery charge, due to his
        having told the judge he couldn't pay back $11,333 in
        restitution because his condition made him unemployable.
        Younkin, a former weight-loss salon operator (What's the
        coincidence here, eh?), had actually gained 20 pounds.
        I suppose the judge is lucky Younkin didn't just
        swallow him whole and follow him with a beer chaser...

        WHAT'S IN A NAME PART II

        Costa Mesa, Calif. - A retired army sergeant in California
        has the unusual hobby of collecting strange names. He says
        all the names in his list belong to real people. You be the
        judge: Robbin Droppings, Dan Druff, Kit Ann Kaboodle,
        Rock Pile, Doris Closed, Gay Libb, and Penny Hooker. What,
        no Ben Dover?

        STUPIDITY IS STILL NOT A CRIME... HOW COME?

        Fort Lauderdale, Fla. - 27-year-old Evelyn Daniels had
        been under house arrest on several drug charges but was
        rearrested after she sold the monitoring device police had
        installed to keep tabs on her for $5 to a pawn shop. And
        then these people wonder why they keep getting caught.

        THE DO-IT-YOURSELF HOME GASTROENTERITIS KIT

        Eight Connecticut legislators and nearly three dozen
        guests became ill with diarrhea and stomach cramps after
        eating at a reception sponsored by lobbyists for the
        Connecticut Food Association.
        At least now we know why a food association needs
        lobbyists.

        SORRY, NO DONUTS TODAY

        St. Catherines, Ont. - A drunken man walked into a police
        station and shot the desk clerk in the face with a
        pellet gun. Terry Reddick, 32, was sentenced to 9 years
        in prison. Reddick, a schizophrenic who had been
        drinking and off his medication, also injured another
        officer in the leg. Reddick told a doctor, "When I drink
        everything opens up... becomes liquid and I feel like
        I'm in a pool of energy and need dancers... and harps."
        Not to even mention a strait jacket.

        BUREAUCRACY GONE WILD

        Jackson, Miss. - Michael Martin took advantage of his
        navy veteran benefits and received a taxpayer-paid
        penile implant to cure his impotence. Martin was
        released from prison 10 months earlier after serving
        4 years for molesting two young girls.
        I'm sure some other young girls will be thrilled to
        hear about his penile implant.

        AND STUPIDITY IS STILL NOT A CRIME

        Colombia, Tenn. - A man burst into a building that
        formerly housed the First Citizens Bank and rushed up
        to what were formerly the tellers' counters. The bank
        had relocated 6 months previously and an insurance
        company had taken its place. Two insurance company
        employees were robbed and the bandit escaped.

        SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT MEN LOVE TO LIE

        Las Vegas, Nev. - Researchers at the University of
        California-San Francisco, in a study of 60 healthy
        males, found that on average the penis when erect
        measured 5.1 inches in length and 4.9 inches in
        circumference.
        You'd never know that to hear guys brag.

        MCFRIGHTENING

        Fort William, Scotland - A "cairteal punnid" and
        "slisneagan" - a Quarter Pounder and fries - are
        coming to the Highlands as a new McDonald's outlet
        adopts Gaelic.
        "I'll have the McHaggis and a stomach pump."

        PROOF THAT THE GOVERNMENT LIKES TO WASTE OUR MONEY

        Losing money is just fine with civil servants at many
        government-owned lending agencies. "We are not here to
        make a profit," said Gary Sullivan, corporate affairs
        manager for the Ontario Development Corporations, "We
        are here to assist economic development." ODC set a
        record in 1994 by writing off $97 million of taxpayers'
        money.
        And here I am so broke I have to put a Big Mac on
        layaway.

        IT'S CHEAPER THAN TAKING A TAXI, I GUESS

        Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. - Two boys, ages 14 and 15, were
        released from court after a hearing for allegedly
        stealing a car. Police believed it was the 25th car
        they had stolen in 2 years. According to police, the
        boys left the courthouse and stole a bus which they
        crashed into a fence 45 minutes later.

        HOPE THEY DON'T SELL BEER OVER THERE

        Dhaka, Bangladesh - Last August, shopkeepers whose
        kiosks are on the ground level of the National
        Stadium threatened a lawsuit because when the 80,000-
        capacity stadium is full, it often seems to be
        "raining." The stadium was built without public
        restrooms.
        Why don't some shopkeepers sell camp toilets? Or at
        least umbrellas.

        CARELESS CROOKS PART I

        Tonawanda, N.Y. - The New York Health Department
        revealed in January that someone had stolen a 4-foot
        deep above-ground pool from an industrial site,
        perhaps with the intention of installing it as a
        backyard pool. The pool had been used to store the
        radioactive substance americium.
        "This is some sunburn I'm getting, Daddy, but do you
        think my skin is supposed to peel right down to
        the bone?"

        IT WAS DEFINITELY SOMETHING HE ATE

        Sydney, Australia - A British tourist who broke two
        teeth on something hard in a Big Mac has been
        awarded $25,162 CDN by an Australian court. Alan
        Bailey, 36, spent 23 days in and out of dental
        clinics after eating at McDonald's during the
        first few hours of his vacation.
        I'd like to know which parts of the cow McDonald's
        DOESN'T use.

        I JUST KNOW THIS MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH DONUTS

        Whitby, Ont. - Ontario Provincial Police were
        embarrassed when a handcuffed man arrested for
        drunk driving took off in the police cruiser while
        the officer was out of the car. Francis Nair, 24,
        is being sought.
        If he was slick enough to steal a police car right
        out from under a cop, he's probably already
        changed his name and left town.

        DOG DAY AFTERNOON

        Tiburon, Calif. - Dogs urinating on the town's
        $20,000 sidewalk lighting system are shorting out the
        system. The damage is costing the community $200 a
        month, said town public works director Tony Iacoppi.
        And no one thought about this before tax money was
        spent on those lights?

        IS THERE ANYTHING THIEVES WON'T STEAL???

        Mississauga, Ont. - At least 16 water meters and their
        piping have been stolen from unprotected utility rooms
        at commercial and industrial sites throughout
        Mississauga. Police say the scrap metal value would
        only be about $50. According to Sergeant Peter Morgan,
        "It looks like we're looking for a serial water thief."

        OH PUH-LEEZE!

        London, England - Politically correct recommendations
        found in "The A-Z Of Non-Sexist Language" include
        "sewer access hole" for "man hole," and "abominable
        snow creature" for "abominable snowman." The author,
        Margaret Doyle, has a degree in women's studies and
        the book was published by The Women's Press.
        That figures.

        A CAT-ASTROPHE

        Athens, Greece - Yuri Karayannopoulos, 87, was
        convinced his neighbours had stolen his cat, so he
        shot two of them dead, then killed himself. A few
        hours later, the cat showed up safe and sound.

        THIEVES REALLY WILL STILL ANYTHING

        Toronto, Ont. - More than 600,000 dew worms were stolen
        from the Ontario Natural Bait Co.
        Just one question: Why???

        THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YUPPIES TURN TO CRIME

        Toronto, Ont. - Ali Omar Hassan, 32, has been charged
        by Metro police with unemployment insurance fraud of
        more than $12,000. Hassan allegedly collected benefits
        from February 1989 to September 1992 while holding 3
        jobs: one in a factory and two at car-rental companies.

        WHY DIDN'T SHE SEE IT COMING?

        Oakville, Ont. - Rose Stokes, 33, has been charged
        with fraud after the self-proclaimed psychic convinced
        several customers to pay her large sums of money in
        exchange for removing curses.
        Why call a psychic? Let them call you.

        LIBRARY FRAUD - IT'S THE WORST KIND

        Montreal, Que. - A woman who refused to pay $438 in
        fines for overdue library books may be sentenced to
        jail. Interest on Suzanne Poirier's unpaid fines has
        boosted the amount she owes to $953.
        Hey, maybe she was just a slow reader.

        AND CRIMINALS WONDER HOW THEY GET CAUGHT

        Taylors, S.C. - Inmate Frederick McGowan, 26, walked away
        from a work-release center but was recaptured a week
        later when he returned to pick up his paycheque.

        SO IT'S SMALLER THAN A BREADBOX

        Wilmington, N.C. - The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency
        announced in December 1994 that a valuable piece of
        technology had been stolen and offered a reward for
        its return. However, for security reasons, the item
        was not identified - the most the public is allowed
        to know is that it is palm-sized.
        So if you find something you don't recognize, there
        may be a reward in it for you, eh?

        DUH!

        Moscow, Russia - Police told two hijackers to come
        out of the plane and get their money - and arrested
        them as soon as they did. The hijackers, ages 17 and
        22, threatened to blow up the plane unless they were
        paid the equivalent of $453 CDN but then demanded
        more money.
        $453 CDN? What were these guys going to use the money
        for - a popcorn and a large Coke at the cinema???

        WHY LOOK FOR CROOKS - LET THEM FIND YOU

        Toronto, Ont. - After a stolen car crashed through the
        front doors of Metro police's 53 Division, the driver
        was charged with impaired driving, theft, and two
        counts of possession of stolen property.
        What? He wasn't charged with stupidity?

        KEYSTONE KOPS

        London, England - Scotland Yard took eight years to
        notice that one of its accountants stole the equivalent
        of $11.5 million CDN.
        Some detective work, eh?

        GUESS THEY DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH LAYOVERS

        The shortest regular commercial flight is the trip from
        Westray to Papa in Scotland's Orkney Islands. The trip
        takes only two minutes.
        I'll just bet the check-in takes an hour.

        WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

        Bexley, Ohio - The town granted a permit for McDonald's
        to open a store on a main street, despite protests by
        residents that a fast-food restaurant was not appropriate.
        Opponents said they preferred the site's then-occupant,
        an adult video store.
        McDonald's should take a hint and leave screwing the
        public to the professionals.
________________________________________________________________________

        IF WINDOWS 95 OPERATED APPLIANCES AROUND YOUR HOUSE...
        (c)1995 Sandy Illes

        Toaster: Although the manual clearly states you can put
        up to 8 pieces of toast into the 2 slots, only 2 slices
        will actually become toasted. The other slices will
        become wedged into the slots and when you call Micro$oft
        tech support, they'll tell you the problem isn't with
        the toaster, it's your wall outlet.

        Microwave oven: Expect to eat lots of undercooked chicken
        and burnt bacon, since all settings are approximated to
        the standard of "average." When you call Micro$oft tech
        support to complain about this, they'll offer to sell you
        the Micro$oft Cookbook for only $39.95.

        Telephone answering machine: It doesn't matter what
        message you record, all callers will hear Bill Gates
        saying, "Windows 95 is the greatest... you are getting
        sleepy... sleeeeeepy... sleeeeeeeeepy... you will buy
        Windows 95, even if you don't have a computer..."

        Kettle: In the old days, your kettle would whistle when
        it boiled. Thanks to Micro$oft, your kettle will now
        whistle Dixie to a disco beat after a slight delay of
        4-6 minutes to load the WAV file, during which your
        kettle will boil dry and you'll have to run out and buy
        a new one which will mean more corporate profit$ for
        Micro$oft. The manual clearly states that all warranties
        are null and void once the box in which the kettle is
        packaged has been opened.

        TV: Changing channels is as simple as switching your
        current channel into the background. Unfortunately, since
        Windows 95 won't support all the cable channels now
        available, you're stuck with only 3 channels on UHF.
        Windows 96 promotional literature promises it will support
        up to 7 VHF channels, but only on TVs made after 1995.

        Washing machine: Your clothes will be washed whiter than
        white and stubborn stains will become a thing of the past.
        Unfortunately, you can't get your clothes out of the
        washer and into the dryer without proprietary software
        which is the first of 39 beta versions and mostly doesn't
        work but is only available from Micro$oft.
________________________________________________________________________

        TOP TEN REJECTED PICKUP LINES FOR MEN (c)1995 Sandy Illes

        10. I've never seen such a big butt in my life.
        9. I can't get over how much you look like my dog.
        8. Want to come back to my place and work off some of that
           excess weight?
        7. You look like someone hungry for some lovin'.
        6. I read somewhere that fat women are sexier - is that true?
        5. I'd ask you to dance but your feet are much bigger than
           mine.
        4. I couldn't help noticing the fragrant scent of your douche.
        3. So are those silicone, or what?
        2. You smell like you might have a yeast infection.
        1. You look like you've been exhibited in a few carnival
           sideshows in your lifetime.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

        ARE YOU A WEIRDO?  (c)1995 Mary Stewart

        1. I am:
        (a) 24 and in grade 3.
        (b) afraid of imploding.
        (c) on a quest to find the ultimate luncheon meat.

        2. I am not:
        (a) an animal.
        (b) a vegetable.
        (c) a mineral.

        3. I wish:
        (a) my mom knew more Spam recipes.
        (b) lithium didn't cost so damn much.
        (c) my underwear wasn't on backwards.

        4. I know:
        (a) all the words to every Village People song.
        (b) lots of people, all of whom hate me.
        (c) Bigfoot personally.

        5. I have never:
        (a) poked out more than one of my eyes at a time.
        (b) ignored the voices in my head.
        (c) shaved my palms.

        6. I intend to:
        (a) raise pyromania to an art form.
        (b) become famous by developing a new incurable disease.
        (c) stick my finger into the wall outlet and see what
            happens.

        7. I want:
        (a) to owe a lot on my Visa card when I die.
        (b) to know when Michael Jackson will get boobs.
        (c) a side order of fries with that.

        8. I used to:
        (a) analyze all my stool samples for worms.
        (b) wear pantyhose until the other guys made me stop.
        (c) snort broccoli.

        9. I dream about:
        (a) being chased by mutant penises.
        (b) being attacked by mutant Elvii.
        (c) crossword puzzles in which the answers are all
            the word "purple."

        10. I just want to say:
        (a) I haven't been arrested once this week.
        (b) God is giving me harrassing phone calls.
        (c) I accidentally ate my shoelaces.

        Scoring:
        Anyone who answers all of these questions is on the
        verge of becoming a weirdo. The only solution is to
        join a Buddhist monastery until these abnormal urges
        pass.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

        TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR FAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIONAL
        (c)1995 Sandy Illes

       10. You've made several guest appearances on Cops.
        9. Everyone is proud of the uncle who's been featured on
           America's Most Wanted three times.
        8. The local police have given you a nickname.
        7. You are a regular in police line-ups.
        6. You don't have penpals but you do have 'penitentiary pals.'
        5. You receive conjugal visits from your sister while in
           prison.
        4. The local cops have your number on their speed dial.
        3. The police artists always seems to draw a picture of you.
        2. Your family brings a picnic lunch to see your father
           fry in the electric chair, and then straps a chicken
           leg to his arm so the voltage will heat it up.
        1. You have set the Miranda Rights to music.
________________________________________________________________________

                ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD   (c)1995 Mary Stewart

  So there I was, on the shuttle for Hell and looking forward to it.
  I'd packed my 1,000,000 sunblock and was carrying a pair of Blue
  Blockers just in case it was a touch bright on the eyes down there.
  My seating companions were a man somewhere between 30 and death,
  and a woman with the body of a supermodel.

  Since the trip was boring, I began chit-chatting with my seating
  companions. The woman with the body of a supermodel was a supermodel -
  it was Christie Brinkley.

  I asked her how she came to be on this shuttle and she was honest
  enough to say that she'd sold her soul to the devil at an early age.
  It made sense when I thought of it: Here was a woman with absolutely
  no job skills and an incredibly annoying voice, yet she was richer
  and more famous than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams.

  The man sitting beside us joined the conversation and I found out it
  was Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft and all-around greedy geek. I
  didn't bother asking him if he'd made a deal with the devil like
  Christie since it was common knowledge that he was inherently evil. As
  it turned out, yes, Bill had sold his soul to the devil but, no, he
  wouldn't be staying in Hell on this trip. He was just visiting Satan to
  get some advice on Windows 96, which he would bring back to earth to
  further corrupt the computers of the masses.

  The woman sitting in front of us, a blonde floozy with black roots
  halfway down the length of her hair, had been listening to all of this
  and turned around to chat. It was Madonna. Like Bill, she was just
  visiting Hell looking for ideas for her new album, which she would
  bring back to earth to corrupt the youth of America. I was beginning to
  feel cheated: I'd never been rich or famous, no one had even heard of
  me; yet all these people had made cushy deals with the devil and were
  riding the same shuttle.

  There was a knocking on the window of the shuttle and I looked outside
  to see Jim Morrison. He motioned for me to open the window but I told
  him, "You don't want to go where we're going! Stay in purgatory, man!"

  When the shuttle arrived in Hell, we disembarked one by one while a
  huge demon with a whip watched carefully for any sign of dissent. I
  was feeling rebellious and asked to speak to the top guy. The demon
  just laughed and said that I'd get a chance when the boss was ready.
  He then cracked his whip near my face but I just sneered at him.

  So Christie and I ended up working in the same fire pit. Frankly, the
  heat made her skin look bronzed and beautiful while my skin peeled in
  an eternal sunburn and heat rash. I hated her.

  After what seemed an eternity (probably because it was), the devil
  himself summoned me. Trembling, perspiring, and desperate for a glass
  of Diet Coke, I raised my head proudly and approached him in his lair,
  which was, incidentally, the spitting image of Playboy Mansion (not
  that I'd ever seen the Playboy Mansion personally but I'd seen
  pictures).

  "You have worked well," he growled. "I will reward you. What would you
  like?"

  A million thoughts raced through my mind. Have Christie's hair fall
  out. Perhaps make Bill Gates' head implode. I looked around anxiously,
  wanting to make sure I really wanted what I would request.

  "If it pleases you, sir," I mumbled, "I wish to go back to earth and
  be as successful as Madonna and Bill Gates."

  "So be it," he rasped. "But remember that your success will bring you
  back here to Hell." With that, he raised his hand, muttered a few
  words, and POOF, I was back on earth, sitting at my computer with a
  Diet Coke by my side.

  So now I just hang around and surf the nets all day. Oh sure, I know
  I should be getting started on my life of fame and fortune, but hey, I
  don't have to go back to Hell until I succeed, so I have all the time
  in the world.
________________________________________________________________________

          SANTA'S HORRIBLE DEATH   (c)1995 Sandy Illes

        "Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas! Have you been a good
        little girl or a naughty little girl? Please don't
        spit in Santa's eye, dear. Let me see if your name
        is on my list of naughty or nice... Hey, let go of
        my beard, you little sadist! Ouch! Didn't your
        mother ever tell you not to punch Santa in the
        stomach? Heyyyyy! Put down those matches! I mean
        it! If you burn up all the goodies Santa is giving
        out to the nice children you'll be surprised at
        just how psycho he can become! No! Not the beard!
        Ahhhhhhh! Help, help! My beard is on fire! No, not
        the propane cylinder used to power the X-50 Power
        Launch Recidivist Cannon (batteries not included)!
        Argh! I'm melting! Help! Help!"

        And so it was that Santa came to a horrible end on
        that unhappy day. All the good children who were
        waiting in line to see him were adversely affected
        by the sight of Santa being fried to a crisp by one
        of his own toys, and have vowed to hunt down and
        ever so slowly kill the evil little girl who
        caused Santa's death using only a match and a
        propane cylinder.

        Let the records show that the little girl they're
        looking for is Sarah Poutalot, who had to leave
        town and change her name to Sharon Gruffly after
        that incident. Sarah Poutalot, scared for her life,
        has been in the witness protection program ever
        since exposing the big Santa Scam of 1994 and is
        hiding out at 19921 Mountainberry Lane, Akron,
        Ohio, 10027.

        It is ironic, of course, that Santa had never
        smoked in his life until the day no one could find
        the fire extinguisher to put him out. Also note
        that Santa lived long enough to see his last wish
        fulfilled - he wanted to be cremated.
________________________________________________________________________

        THE CZECH IS IN THE MAIL
        (c)1995 Liz Hill

        Dear Sir,

        Please find enclosed a czech for $14.71... oops, I mean
        $1,144.71... that doesn't sound right either, does it?
        Okay, last offer... $144.71 (BY GEORGE, I think I've got
        it!).

        This czech is to cover expenses incurred during the recent
        political upheaval... no it isn't... it's for an intensive
        physiotherapy treatment for my cousin Aloysius who was run
        over by a herd of stampeding wildebeest while watching
        Brady Bunch reruns on a pay TV channel. Some say he
        deserved his fate, but I digress. Besides, the czech is
        really to pay for my new hair transplant. You see, I don't
        want to have to listen to dumb blonde jokes anymore so I'm
        having all my hair ripped out by the roots and replaced
        with beautiful mousey-brown tresses taken from the head of
        William Shatner himself! (And you wondered WHY he was going
        bald, eh?)

        Uh... I'm paying YOU, aren't I? So I can't use the czech for
        my hair transplant. Okay, I know I'm sending it to you for
        something but I can't remember what.

        Maybe it's for... oh, hello Whiskers. And what can I do for
        you, you cute widdle puddy tat? Does pussums want a kitty-cat
        treat? How about a scratch behind the ears? Or maybe I'll
        just pick you up by your oh-so-soft-and-furry little tail,
        swing you around in circles 'til you barf, and then let
        Tweetums play with you for a while! THAT'LL teach you to
        cough up hairballs in my shoes!

        STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP

        Here comes Tweetums now... Hey, stop scratching! Oww! Don't
        struggle so much! Hey... ouch! MY EYE! Go get 'em Tweetums!

        [And so it came to be that Liz Hill became the one-eyed
        wonder of the PTA. She took great delight in telling children
        to touch her glass eye, then popping it out and screaming,
        "You poked out my EYE!" Many of the traumatized children are
        still in therapy while Liz roams the streets seeking out new
        victims.]
________________________________________________________________________

JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES

   Little Johnny is in the fourth grade.  He comes home from school one
day with a note from the teacher.  He gives the note to his mom who is a
beautiful, sexy, buxom woman.  The note says, "Dear Mrs. Jones, Johnny
seems confused about the differences between boys and girls."

   Mom reads the note and says, "Johnny, come with me."  She takes him
to her bedroom and closes the door.  After they are alone, she says,
"Johnny, take off my blouse."  He does so with quivering hands.  She
says, "Now take off my skirt."  He does so.  She says, "Now take off my
bra."  He does so and is perspiring freely.  She says, "Now take off my
panties."  He does so and begins to whimper.

   Mom raps him sharply across his ass and says, "Listen you little
sh*t, don't you ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy asks his pregnant mother, "What's wrong with your
tummy, Mommy?"

His mother thinks for a while and then says, "Uh ... Well daddy
has given me a new baby."

The little boy rushes off to his father and ask, "Daddy, have you
given mommy a new baby?"

"Yes son, I have," replies the father.

"Well," says the little boy, "she's gone and eaten it!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

Man's answer: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Woman's answer: The paycheck is usually much bigger and it lasts longer!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

     The teacher instructed her second graders to come forward as
their names were called and be prepared to draw something on the
blackboard that had been the cause of excitement in their homes during
the previous week.  One by one the pupils came forward and sketched
such items as report cards, television sets, new clothes, a new baby,
and other similar items.

    When the time came for Emily to comply with the assignment,
however, she walked to the board and drew two dots.

     "What's that?" the puzzled teacher asked.

"Well," she said, "the other day you told us those dots are called
periods."

     "That's right," the teacher said. "But what could possibly be
exciting about two periods?"

     "Beats me," Emily said.  "But that's how many my sister in high
school says she's missed, and they're causing  quite a lot of
excitement around our house."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Jackson's mother yelled at him the other day, "Michael, has the
paper boy come yet?" To which Michael replied, "No, but he's squirming."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A baby harp seal walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What will you have, baby harp seal?"
The baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, orders a drink and the bartender
says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two gay guys get in a fight in a bar.  They go outside to exchange blows.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

J.F.K and Bobby Kennedy walk into a bar and the the bartender says,
"What'll it be?"
J.F.K says, "Give us a couple of shooters."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you know how Michael Jackson picks his nose?
Out of a catalog.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

This black guy and a Jewish guy open a general Store. Business is
not so  good, so the Jewish fellow pulls the black guy to the
side and says, "Look, business sucks. We need to use add on
sales to make some money."

"What's that?" says the black man.

"Just watch me when the next customer comes in."

Just then a man walks in and asks for a bag of grass seed.

"Certainly," the Jewish guy says, "Let's go over to the counter and
I'll write you up." He proceeds to get out his pad and begins to
write.....1 bag of seed, 1 bag of fertilizer..

"Wait!" the client yells, "I only want some seed!"

"Look, I can sell you the seed, but you need fertilizer to make it
grow," the Jewish guy answers.

"OK," the client concedes.

The clerk continues...1 bag of seed, 1 bag of fertilizer, 1 sprinkler
system....

"What???" he yells. "What is this?"

"Look, I can sell you the seed and the fertilizer, but you'll need to
water it for it to last."

The guy shakes his head and gives in. 1 bag of seed, 1 bag
fertilizer, 1  sprinkler system, 1 John Deere riding mower...

"What???" screams the customer.

"Look, I can sell you the seed, the fertilizer, and the sprinkler
system, but  you've got to mow it for it to look beautiful!"

The customer accepts this and walks out of the store with all the stuff.

The Jewish guy turns to the black guy and says, "See? See how much I
added on?"

"I see! I see!" he yells. "Let me have the next customer."

Just then a woman walks in. He runs towards her and asks how can he
help her.  She asks for a box of tampons. He tells her to come
over to the counter and he  will write her up. He starts to
write....1 box of Tampons, 1 John Deere riding mower.

"What???" she yells. "I only want some tampons!"

The black guy leans over the counter and says to her, "Look, lady. You
ain't  gettin' none this weekend, so you might as well mow the lawn!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A newspaperman, in Atlantic City for the Miss America Pageant,
was seated in a boardwalk disco when a lovely young blonde sat down
beside him.  They began to chat and, after a number of drinks, he
proposed that they buy a bottle and finish it in his room.

    She was agreeable -- so much so, in fact, that before the bottle
was half finished, she began to undress.  Before she got into bed,
the newspaperman casually asked her how old she was.

     "Thirteen," she replied.

"Thirteen! Good Lord!" he exclaimed.  "Put your clothes on and
get out of here."

     "What's the matter?" the girl pouted. "Superstitious?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Two Irish men are working in a ditch across the street from a brothel.
A protestant minister comes walking along and quickly sneaks behind the
door.
The two men shake their heads and one says to the other:
 "What kind o' time do we live in when men of the cloth 'be visiting such
places?"
 They muse over this for a while and are getting back to work when a
rabbi makes a dash for the brothel.
The two look at each other and the other says:
  "It's no wonder that the children of today are so confused, what with
the example that the clergy are setting."
 They're mulling over this when a Catholic priest sneaks up to the
house-of-ill-repute, glances to make sure that no one is looking, and
ducks inside.
 The two men lean on their shovels, look at each other, and the one
says, sympathetically:
   "Ah, what a shame... one of the poor lasses must be dying."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been definitely proven that you cannot get A.I.D.S. from a
toilet seat - that is unless you sit down before the other guy gets up!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teenager comes home one day and his mother notices that he's acting
somewhat differently than usual.

MOTHER: Something's different about you today.

SON: Yeah, I had sex for the first time today.

MOTHER: (angry) You know that I wanted you to wait untill you were
         married. Go to your room until your father gets home!

Later the father comes home and mom sends him to talk to their son.

FATHER: Hi son, your mom tells me that you became a man today.

SON: She was pretty upset.

FATHER: Well, women just don't understand these things like us men do.
        By the way how did you like it?

SON: It was okay, but my butt still hurts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Leana walked into her living room and saw her brother playing
chess with their dog.
        "Amazing!" she sputtered.  "This must be the smartest dog in the
history of the world!"
        "He's not so smart," her brother mumbled.  "I've beaten him
three out of five games so far."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A camel walks into a restaurant and orders a cup of tea.
"Will that be one hump or two?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes were sitting in a movie theatre and blonde #1 says to blonde
#2, "Hey, this guy next to me is jerking off!" Blonde #2 says, "Just
ignore the guy." Blonde #1 says, "I can't. He's using MY hand."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gay Female Spies: LESBIANAGE!
Gay Poker: Queens are wild & Straights don't count!
Gay army motto: "We never leave our buddies behind."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flanagan was driving home from the pub and weaving all over the road.
The police stopped him and when he rolled down his window, the officer
said, "You're drunk!" To which he replied, "Thanks be to God! I thought
it was the steering!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Army had just sent a rocket ship to the moon. The colonel programmed
two questions into the computer: (1) Will the rocket reach the moon?
(2) Will the rocket return to earth? The computer thought for a while,
and out came a card which said "Yes."

The colonel was furious; he didn't know know whether "Yes" was the
answer to the first question or the second question or the conjunction
of the two questions. So he angrily programmed back: "Yes, *what*?" The
computer thought for a while, and a card came out saying: "Yes, Sir."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is
told that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more. Same
message from receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies,
"I just like to hear you say it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

All the beautiful, intelligent, healthy young women are taken. It's a
basic law of the universe, and if you don't like it, go somewhere else.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS?
Each month, they play two weeks of love songs, one week of blues,
and one week of ragtime.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor looked at both
  her ass and her face and said, "Siamese twins!"
- Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor said, "I think
  it is a child..."
- Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor screamed, "Put
  it BACK! PUT IT BACK!"
- Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped HER mama!
- Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the
  afterbirth by mistake.
- Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor took her and told
  her mama, "If this thing doesn't start to cry in ten seconds,
  it was a tumor."
- Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the windows of her incubator
  were tinted.
- Yo mama so ugly, yo daddy first laid eyes on her at the pound.
- Yo mama so ugly, yours was a virgin birth.
- Yo mama so well balanced, she's got a chip on both shoulders.
- Yo mama so white, when she smiles her teeth look yellow.
- Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
- Yo mama swims out to troop ships.
- Yo mama twice the man you are.
- Yo mama was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
- Yo mama watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
- Yo mama waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
- Yo mama's blind and seeing another man.
- Yo mama's breath is so stinky, I don't know whether to give her gum
  or toilet paper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two highway workers are at a construction site when a car with
diplomatic plates pulls up. "Parlez-vous francais?" the driver asks.
The two just stare.

"Hablan ustedes espanol?" the driver tries. They stare some more.

"Sprechen sie deutsch?" They continue to stare.

"Parlate italiano?" Nothing. Finally the man drives off in disgust.

One worker turns to the other and says, "Maybe we should learn a
foreign language."

"What for?" the other replies, "That guy knew four of them, and a fat
lot of good it did him."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Hear about the blonde that was 40-24-36?
 Her measurements?
 No. Her first three tries at an IQ test!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

To deter door-to-door religious crusaders, put this sign on your door:

 I worship God and Christ 4 days a week and Satan 3 days a week.
 You will either be welcomed with love or sacrificed brutally.
 Knock at your own risk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

To deter door-to-door salesmen, put this sign on your door:

We shoot every third salesman,
   and the second one just left.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband: Honey, I won the lottery! Pack your bags!

Wife: What should I pack?

Husband: I don't care, just be out of here by morning.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A nun was in town and lost track of the time.  She noticed
it was getting dark and started to hurry back to the abbey.
To save time she took a shortcut through the park, where a
man leaped out from behind some bushes and raped her.

After he was done he noticed her habit and realized she was
a nun.  He was very remorseful, and asked the nun what she
was going to tell her Mother Superior.

The nun replied "I'll simply tell the truth -- that I was
taking a shortcut through the park when a man leaped out
from behind some bushes and raped me.  Twice, if you've got
the energy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey everybody guess what: there is now proof that Elvis is alive.

Cause just the other day Michael Jackson had to have a blue suede shoe
surgically removed from his BUTT!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you push Lucien Bouchard and Jacques
   Parizeau out of a plane at 6000 feet with no parachute?

A: A damn good way to save money and Canada.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: What did Jerry Garcia die of?
    A: Acid indigestion.

    Q: What did one Deadhead say to the other when the pot ran out?
    A: "This music really sucks."

    Q: What flavor of ice cream is Ben & Jerry's going to use to replace
       Cherry Garcia?
    A: 1. Dirt Nap Crunch
       2. Bury Garcia
       3. Apple Brown Betty Ford
       4. Heavenly Hash
       5. Rocky Roach
       6. Quaaludes & Cream
       7. DOA Sorbet
       8. Cannabis Crunch
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy was locked into the closet by his mother so she could have
sex with her boyfriend.  While he is there his father comes home
unexpectedly so the mother hides her boyfriend in the closet.

The young kid decides that he could make some money out of this
so he say, "It's awful dark in here. It's so dark that I might
scream for my father. If I had five dollars I don't think that I
would be so scared."  The boy friend gets the idea and hands the
kid five dollars.

Soon the father goes back to  work and the mother lets her boyfriend
out of the closet. After a while she lets the kid out also. By this
time the kid has started to feel guilty about how he got the five
dollars and he asks his mother, "Mom, is it a sin to trick people
into giving you money?"

His mother says yes and if he has done that he should go to
confession.  The kid runs off to church goes to confession.  Once
he gets into the confessional he looks around and says, "It's
awful dark in here."

A voice from the other side of the curtain says, "We aren't going
to start this one again, are we?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Kinney Shoes and the U.S. Post Office
workers? Answer: No difference, 10 million loafers either way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Didja hear about the Jewish sports car?
It stops on a dime... then picks it up!

The Jewish limousine?
Has a pay phone in the back seat.

The Jewish Santa Claus?
Comes down your chimney and says, "Oy Veh! Wouldja like to buy some
toys, cheap?"

How can you tell the Jewish Ethiopian?
He's the one with the Rolex around his waist.

Didja hear about the great Jewish conqueror?
Gengis Cohen.

Or the Jewish warrior who ended up in business?
Conan the Wholesaler.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple married.

The husband takes the bride upstairs, and they get ready to, umm,
have fun.  So the bride says "Please, be gentle, this is my first
time." So the husband says, "How can it be ? I know you had THREE
husbands!"

The bride replies, "Well, that's true.  But the first one was really
old, and he died on the dance floor.  The second had a heart problem,
and he got a heart attack while carrying me upstairs.  The third was
a Microsoft engineer, and he used to sit beside the bed, and tell me
how good it was gonna be..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a travelling salesman named Hugh Grant. One night his
car broke down and he went to a poor farmer's house for help. The
farmer said, "You can spend the night but you have to sleep with
my daughter."

Hugh Grant sleeps in the daughter's bed and decides to have sex with
her.

The next morning, he leaves a $50 bill by the daughter's pillow and
starts to sneak out but the farmer catches him.

"What's that $50 bill doing on my daughter's pillow?" the farmer asks.

Sheepishly, Hugh Grant admits that he had sex with the farmer's
daughter.

"How many times?" asks the farmer.

"Just once," says Hugh Grant.

"Then you can't leave yet," said the farmer. "You're still owed 49
more times."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a pub and goes up to the bar. He is standing next
to a man having a drink with a dog by his feet. The first man says
to the other, "That's rather a nice dog, what sort of breed is that?"
The second man replies, "Oh, it's just a plain old mongol."

"Don't you mean mongrel?" asks the first man.

"No it's a mongol, really," says the second man.

All of sudden the dog jumps up and knocks the second man's pint over.
The owner looks down at the dog and says, "Down syndrome!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a long discussion, a father agrees to let his son put him in a
nursing home as long as he calls each day to check on him.  The first
night, a nurse enters the room to give the old man a bath.  During the
bath, he becomes aroused and the nurse notices it and takes care of it
for him.  The next day the son calls to check on his dad.  "Oh, don't
worry about me son.  This is the greatest place.  I love it here."  The
next evening an orderly is helping the old man into bed but he slips
and falls and as he is on his hands and knees trying to get up, the
orderly mounts him and violates him.  The next morning the son calls
and is startled to hear his father crying and begging to go home.  "Dad,
what could have happened to change your mind so quickly?"  "It's like
this son.  I only get aroused once a year, but I fall down nearly every
day."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she
proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to screw him
to death on their wedding night.  The courtship and wedding went off
without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The
first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to
come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he
had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was
carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

  Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are
those for?"

   The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand:
the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mother gnu, father gnu and a baby gnu were walking along looking
for a place to drink.  They came upon a watering hole and the
father gnu said, "one of us should test the water first to make sure
it is safe to drink." He took a sip of the water... and died.

Still thirsty the mother and baby kept going on their trek.  They
came upon a 2nd watering hole and again the mother suggested that
someone test the water to make sure it was safe.  She took a drink
of the water... and died.

The baby, now all alone, was still thirsty and kept on looking. He
came upon a third watering hole and as he was the only one left he
took a drink... and died.

That's all for the gnus, now for sports...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of gold... what is it that will make a total stranger dive
into an icy river to save a solid gold baby?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How did they know Jesus was Jewish?

A. Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his
   father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his
   mother was a virgin.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was playing binary bingo the other night. It was pretty boring, what
with all those 01101s and 10110s. I don't even know if I won.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.

A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."

I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it
out, it was gone.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing.  Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
miles late for his meetings.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP.  Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars.  My computer keeps calling itself.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I said,
"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex."  Never
found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire all night
long in just 9 minutes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did ya hear about the new cereal for impotent men?

It's called "Nut'n Rais'n."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

        How can the US government save money?

        Use Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he's always been
dissatisfied with his penis size.  Doc says, "They have a new
surgical procedure in which they take a certain muscle from a baby
elephant's trunk [just play along here] and implant it in your penis.
Doesn't hurt you, doesn't hurt the elephant, and you'll gain four
inches, guaranteed."  Guy thinks it's great, goes in, has the
surgery.  A couple of weeks later, he's out with a girl and his
penis jumps out of his pants, grabs a roll from the table, and jumps
back into place.  [Really, really play along here!]  The girl's
amazed and asks him if he can do it again.  Guy says, "Yeah, I think
I can, but I don't know if my ass can handle another biscuit."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Italian father decided to send his son to America to begin a new
life.  As a going away present, the father gave him The Family Pistol.
A priceless symbol of family honor.  After several years, the son
became rich and successful and sent for his family to join him.

Touring his son's lavishly furnished home, the father kept looking for
The Family Pistol.  Not seeing it, he asked his son about it only to
learn the son didn't care all that much about it, sold it and bought an
expensive Rolex wristwatch with the proceeds.  His father became very
upset and said, "Son, one of these days you're gonna come home from
work early and when you go up to your bedroom, you'll find your wife in
bed with another man.  What are you gonna do, say 'Hey man, your time
is up'?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mount your horses, men!"  "We're not that lonely, sir!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher asked her 5th Grade class to describe the meaning of the word
"probably."  A little girl stood up and said, "Mom turned the oven on,
got out a cookie sheet and mixed up a bowl of cookie dough.  PROBABLY
she was going to bake cookies."  A little boy then stood up and said,
"Dad got out a ladder, opened a bucket of paint and stirred it up.
PROBABLY he was going to paint the house."  Another young lad stood up
and commented, "When I got home yesterday, the door to the music room
was locked.  I peeked in the keyhole and saw my sister pulling up her
dress while her music teacher was dropping his pants down around his
ankles.  PROBABLY they were getting ready to sh*t in the piano."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple finish making love and the girl says to the guy, " Gee,
I hope you don't have AIDS."

The guy says, "Hell no!"

The girl says, "Oh, thank God! I wouldn't want to catch it twice
in one week."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's next movie is going to be about the
lives of the world's great composers.  The movie has Steven Seagal set
to play Beethoven, Jean-Claude Van Damme will be Mozart, and when Arnie
got wind of the project, he said...
     "I'll be Bach"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman approached Brigham Young one day and started asking him a few
questions.
"You are Brigham Young?"
"I am."
"The leader of the Mormon Church?"
"I am."
"The man who claims all other Christian traditions save Mormonism are
false?"
"I am."
The woman starts to get noticeably disturbed.
"The man who believes in polygamy as appropriate conduct?"
"I am."
Her anger increases.
"The man who has twenty-six wives?"
"I am."
This sends her into a full rage.
"You, sir, should be hung!"
"I am."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to see his tarvel agent.
"Hello Frank, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes but I need to ask for something different."
"Fire away."

"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned the
wife was pregnant."

"Yes but ...."

"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned the wife
was preganant."

"Yes but.."

" And the year before that when I went to Bali and when I returned the
wife was pregnant."

" Yes."

"Well could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can take
her with me?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor gave Hillary (Clinton) the news, "You're pregnant!"

Hillary (Clinton) called Bill (Clinton) on the phone, gave him the
news, and screamed, "Why weren't you using a condom?"

Bill (Clinton) replied, "I ALWAYS use a condom! ... Who is this,
anyway?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while.  What happened, you look terrible!"  "What do you mean?
I'm fine."  "What about that wooden leg?  You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball
hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."  "Oh yeah?
Well what about that hook?  The last time I saw you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship.  I was in a
sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the
hook, and I feel great, really."  "Oh," said the bartender, "what about
that eye patch?  The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship.  I
looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."  "You're kidding," said
the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird
crap!"  "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why would OJ had have a better chance if the trial was in Kentucky?

A: Because all of the DNA is the same.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

You may be a Redneck if....

You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
Your house collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your parrot can say "Open up, it's the police!"
You use a '55 Chevy as a guest house.
You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Less than half the cars you own actually run.
You've always used a bed sheet as a sofa cover.
You've ever given rat traps as a gift.
Any of your hobbies require a dog and a lantern.
You've ever hit a juke box with a cue stick.
You've ever stolen a bulldozer.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.
Your car stereo costs more than your car.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You actually have grease under your toenails.
The U.F.O. hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your dog doubles as the family dishwasher.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins..on purpose.
Your welcome mat says, "You better have a search warrant."
Your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security alarm.
Your wading boots double as dress pants.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
Your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.
You have to recrank your car at every intersection.
You can't schedule a family reunion until the parole board meets.
Your truck can pass right over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Your C.B. antenna is a danger to low-flying aircraft.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
You pawned your grandfather's watch because you needed beer money.
You have to mow your driveway.
Your mother gives you tips on how to sneak liquor into sports events.
You can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.
You made a homemade hot tub with a trolling motor.
The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You wash your car more often than your kids.
You think paprika is a third-world country.
You have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.
The hood and one door of your car are a different color than the rest.
You swapped a set of tires for your wife's wedding ring.
Your kids take a siphon hose to  "Show and Tell."
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
Today's dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday.
Your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.
Any of your children were conceived at a car wash.
Your junior prom had a day-care center.
Blowing a tire means a new flower pot in the front yard.
Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Chiggers are included in your list of top five hygiene concerns.
You have a Hefty bag for a driver side window.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio.
Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
Yo momma so bald you can see whats on her mind.
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall!
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see
           people waving.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo momma has a 'fro with warning lights.
Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.
Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar.
Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do they call an abortion in Prague?
A. A cancelled Czech.

Q. Why are the Raiders like a tampon?
A. They're only good for one period and they have no second string.

Q. Why do Gorillas have such large nostrils?
A. Because they have huge fingers.

Q: What do 75 year old women have between their breasts that 25 year
   old women don't?
A: Their navel!

Q. What do Magic Johnson and Budweiser have in common?
A. They both come in tall boys.

Q. Whats the difference between a Genealogist an a Gynocologist?
A. A Genealogist looks up your family tree, and a Gynocologist looks
   up your family bush.

Q. How do you get 200 cows into a building?
A. Put up a "Bingo" sign.

Q. Why did they bury Rock Hudson with his ass sticking out of the
   ground?
A. In case any of his friends wanted to stop by for a cold one.

Q. Why is Helen Keller's navel so big?
A. Her husband is blind too.

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come to you!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

 What do Tom Arnold and Divine Brown have in common?

 They both claim that working with Hugh Grant has left a bad taste
 in their mouth!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

 What's the one good thing about a family that does drugs together?

 They don't have to leave the house to go on a family trip.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is
nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he
tried the men's room door, it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of
his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons
were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR."

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance
of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and
decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm
water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women
really have it made!" Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA"
and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He
thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a
large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR."

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me? The last thing
I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse
replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the
"ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A vagrant goes up to a farmhouse one day and says to the farmer,
"I'm very poor.  I see you have an extra building out back that you
aren't using. Can you rent it to me?"

   The farmer is a quick thinker and doesn't tell the man that the
building is actually an outhouse.  "Sure!" he replies, and names an
amount for rent.

   The man thinks and says, "That would be fine if you run an electric
wire out there so I can plug in a light."

   The farmer complies and the poor bum moves in.  He doesn't complain
about his accommodations, but a month later, while paying his rent, the
bum asks the farmer if he can run another wire to the 'little house.'

   The astonished farmer says, "What could you be doing out there that
you need TWO electric wires?"

   The man replies, "I just rented the basement to a Norwegian."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Three men were on safari in Africa one day,when a
horrible thing happened. An elephant came running out of the
bushes and trampled the three men, but not before they managed to
kill it.

        A plastic surgeon was passing by in a helicopter and
happened to see the carnage. He thought that maybe he could do
something, and landed near the men.

        The first guy was in pretty bad shape. He was missing a
piece of bone in his forehead. So the surgeon chopped off part of
the elephant's tusk, put it in the guy's head, and sewed him up.

        The second guy was a little worse. His skin was ripped up
and torn off, especially around his neck and face. So the surgeon
sliced some skin off of the elephant and sewed it on his second
patient.

        The third guy was the worse. The elephant had, while
trampling him, ripped off his dick. So the surgeon cut off the end
of the elephant's trunk and sewed it on the guy as a replacement.

        The surgeon ran into his helicopter and took off, hoping
his patients wouldn't try to sue him.

        Three years later, the plastic surgeon walked into a bar
and saw the three guys, looking pretty good. He decided to approach
them and ask how they were doing.

        He said, "Hey, aren't you the three guy who got trampled
by that elephant? How are you doing these days?"

        The first guy responded, "Man, I'm great. I feel
wonderful, and you wouldn't believe how much my memory has
improved. I mean, I can look at a page and recite it word for
word back to ya."

        The surgeon nodded and looked happy that at least one
person wouldn't sue him. He turned to the second guy and
said,"You okay? I heard your skin got ripped up pretty badly."

        "Yeah," said the guy, " but it's better than new now. My
skin's so tough you could punch me and I would barely feel it.
Yeah, I'm a prizefighter now. I'm going for the heavyweight
championship."

        That's two who won't sue, thought the surgeon. He asked
the third guy how he was doing.

        "I'm doing real good, man," the third man replied. "Got a
great sex life, but there's just this one problem..."

        The surgeon got nervous at this point and hoped that it
wasn't a bad problem. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

        "Well," said the guy, "whenever they start passing out
peanuts at parties, I always get thrown out."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day George Bush, Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood decide to
visit the Wizard of Oz.  After a long travel along the yellow
brick road they arrive at the Wizard's Palace.

When they meet the Wizard he tells them that they may each have
one wish fulfilled.  The Wizard asks George Bush what he would
like, to which George responds, "I would like to have a heart."
So a heart is given to him.  The Wizard asks Bill Clinton what
he would like, to which Bill responds, "I would like to have a
brain." So a brain is given to him.

The Wizard then asks Bob Packwood what he would like, to which
Bob responds, "Uhmmmm, is Dorothy anywhere around?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day in the old West a bible thumper burst into a saloon
and started to preach fire and brimstone about the rewards of
Heaven. At the end he commanded, "All those who want to go to Heaven
line up on this side of the bar!" All of the patrons meekly moved to
his side save for one lone AUSSIE. Amazed at his reluctance, the
preacher asked, "Don't you want to go to Heaven when you die?" The
Aussie replied, "When I die? I thought you were getting a group to go
now!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was having her upstairs room painted, and thought the painter
was making slow progress.

        "Painter," she shouted, "Are you working?"
        "Yes, "Ma'am," he replied.
        "Well, I can't hear you," she said.
        He replied, "I'm not putting it on with a hammer!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A  guy has lived in New York all of his life.  He is Italian; lives in
an Italian neighborhood and is a devout Catholic.  He goes into the
neighborhood barber shop and (when his turn comes) says to the barber,
"Gimme the best you've got.  Next week, I'm taking my family to Rome!"

     The barber, being an expert (as all barbers are) says, "That's the
dumbest thing I ever heard!  Rome is a filthy city.  The mafia runs it
-- you'll be robbed.  The weather there is hot and muggy this time of
the year.  If you're planning to see the pope, forget it!  From where
you'll be standing in Vatican square, he'll look like an ant!"

     The guy says, "Well, we're going anyway.  We have tickets on United
Air lines."

     The barber says, "United air lines!?  You must be kidding.  They're
always late.  They lose luggage, their  food is terrible!"

     The guy says, "Well, give me your best shot, because -- Rome, here
I come!"

     Two weeks pass and he comes back into the barber shop.  Naturally
the barber, and all the barber shop loafers want to know how his trip
went.  The guy says, "It was wonderful!  United served a gourmet dinner,
with champagne for me and the missus.  We arrived almost an hour early.
Our luggage was at our hotel when we arrived.  The weather was cool and
refreshing.  My wife and I fell in love all over again.

     "We went to the Vatican to see the pope and were pretty far back.
There were thousands of people.  The next thing I knew, we were
surrounded by a group of Vatican guards who took my entire family inside
and into a quiet anteroom.  As we were wondering what we could have
done, the pope himself came in and asked us to join him for lunch.

After lunch, I couldn't stand it any longer and so I asked, 'Your
Holiness, why did you single us out of all those people?'  A great look
of sadness passed over the pontif's face and he said, 'Because I feel so
sorry for you, my son.  That's the worst haircut I've ever seen!'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first
sight.  They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon.  On
their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up.
Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a
powerful drug to control it.  She was about to take the drug when she
decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they
would be spending the rest of their lives together.  She returned to
bed without taking the drug.  Her husband then went into the bathroom
to freshen up.  He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it
required a special preparation to keep it under control.  He was about
to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his
wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner
or later anyway.  He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed,
grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss.  She said, "Honey, there's
something I have to tell you."  "OK," he said, "but I already know what
it is... you ate my socks."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man hired 3 toothbrush sales associates .  On the first day, the first
associate reported having sold 10; the next, 15; and the third, 37.

On the second day, the first associate reported sales of 30 toothbrushes.
The second sold 47, and the third sold 115.

"You're doing a GREAT job", said the boss to the third sales associate, "
Tell these other two slackers what your sales technique is."

"Well," said the third, "I go to the airport and set up a stand with a
sign that reads `Free Chips and Dip.'  People taste the dip and say,
`This tastes like sh*t!'" I say, "It IS!  Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heidi Fleiss and O.J. Simpson paired up in a golf game. They were playing
another twosome.  But from the beginning, you knew they would lose.
   Heidi hooks, and O.J. slices.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his little sister in the chin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

André Agassi beat Sampras in the final. Agassi won Madonna as prize.
Why? do you ask, because it was the US OPEN.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

      A Doctor was evaluating 3 Alzheimers patients, to see what
level of care they needed.  He said to the first one, "What's 3 + 3?"

The patient thought a moment, then said "TUESDAY."

The Doctor marked the patient for high care, as he hadn't a clue about
the question.  The second patient was brought in.  Again the Dr. asked,
"What's 3 + 3?"

The patient thought a bit, then said "22."

The Dr. marked him for medium care, as the patient was at least in the
ballpark.  The third patient was brought in, and again the Dr. asked,
"What's 3 + 3?"

The patient thought for a while, then said "6."

"Wonderful." the Dr. exclaimed. "You seem to only need light care. tell
me, how did you come to that conclusion?"

"Easy." The patient replied.  "22 minus Tuesday equals 6."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Madonna brush her teeth after sex?
She heard that sperm cause cavities.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's a Jewish car accident?
No damage to the automobile, but every one
inside has whiplash.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men are hiking in the Amazon Rainforest, a Canadian, an American,
and a Newfie. The natives stop them and tell them "We are going to kill you
and make your skin into canoes, but you get to choose how you want to die."

The Canadian says, "Give me a knife so I can cut my throat." They give
him the knife, he slits his throat, and they make a canoe out of his skin.

The American says, "Give me a gun so I can shoot myself." They give him
the gun, he shoots himself in the head, and they make a canoe out of his
skin.

The Newfie says "Give me a fork."

The natives ask him why he wants a fork and he says, "You said I could
choose the way I want to die, now give me a fork."

They give him the fork, he pokes holes in his entire body and just before
he dies he says, "HA, HA, HA, Let's see you make a canoe out of this!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if a person is using Windows 95?
Keyboard dents in the forehead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if Lucien Bouchard has been in your house?
When you get home, you're still paying for the house but it's not yours
anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is Michael Jackson divorcing Lisa Marie?
He finally found out she's not a 12-year-old boy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bubba is bragging to the bartender, "My dog Butch is the toughest
dog ever born.  He once took on four pit bulls and they didn't put a
scratch on him.  There's not a dog alive that can touch my Butch."

    Just then, a meek looking man comes into the bar, taps Bubba on
the shoulder, and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I think I owe you an
apology. My dog just killed your Butch."

    Bubba can't believe it.  "That's impossible, how could your dog
kill my Butch?  What kind of dog is it?"

    "A Chihuahua," answers the timid man.

    "You're putting me on," says Bubba.  "How could a tiny Chihuahua
kill Butch?"

    "He got stuck in his throat!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day
were led down to the room in which they would, through the
wonders of wattage, meet their maker.  The priest had given the
last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and
a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The Warden, turning to Billy-Jo, solemnly asked, "Son, do you
have a last request?" To which the hulking hayseed instantly
replied, "Yes sir, Ah do. Couldya please play Achy Breaky Heart
fer me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, What about you,
son?  What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

  This guy sitting in the plane is joined by his seatmate, who begins
immediately to heave gigantic, obviously depressed sighs.  "What's the
problem, are you ill?"

  "No, I'm going to Miami."

  "So, there's no reason to be sighing like that; we're ALL going to
Miami on this plane."

  "No, no, you don't understand. I just hate to go to Miami; there's so
much tension there: rioting, looting, crime in the streets.  I just hate
to go to Miami!"

  "I have no idea what you're talking about. I live in Miami, I work
there, I love my work, and I have no problem with crime."

  "Well, what do you do?"

  "I'm a tail gunner on a Merita Bread Truck."
------------------------------------------------------------------------